I have a weird relationship when it comes to relationships. For some reason them being a priority leads to my downfall. It makes me sacrifice so much of myself, and sometimes it ends up being completely wasted. Positives of forming such bonds can bring immense happiness and unbelievable character changes, but the negatives seem to outweigh the positives by an entire landslide. There are too many alternative outcomes in relationships that can workout in your favor, or cause permanent damage to your persona and style of life. It’s a risky elongated journey, and even after receiving injuries from the passage I still resort to.
Mutual bonding between someone and I is an extremely hard task for me to do. Allowing myself to be so vulnerable after being taken advantage of by a close friend just wasn’t my cup of tea. So for quite some time I enveloped my feelings within myself, and brought things to a stand-still with my family, friends, and I. Soon my thoughts and true feelings were unspoken, and this caused me to have long periods of silence which personally I enjoyed, but was abnormal to the people in my everyday life. They began to believe that I had become frustrated from them or distanced myself, which was not the case at all. I just wanted to avoid disappointment entirely. A while back, A close friend of mine had been playing football with me outside, and I was winning when I usually always lose. He became a sore loser and entered his house, without saying a word to me. I gave up after some time, and went inside as well. The next day, a group of my classmates approached me and informed me that my friend was going around spreading lies about me. This hurt to the core, as I spent so much time forming a relationship with him because I actually enjoyed his presence and created memories with him. For him to let a silly game destroy our friendship honestly hurt me to the core. At the time I didn’t realize it, but I began secluding myself from people. However, I yearned for friendship and communication from others, but so easily resisted any form of it. As if there was nothing even encouraging me to pursue it, though my heart needed it. Eventually I allowed myself to create new relationships, but those continue to lead to disappointment and hurt, and like an idiot I continue to create more.
My soft nature seems to be blamed for such a personality. Fear is the only thing at bay when I even consider a relationship. Sometimes, I can even feel a relationship isn’t going to work, and when it fails I still feel pain. Predicted outcomes never seem to lessen the pain of another “what if”. Friends, family, and peers all end up disappointing me, and I soon gave up relationships. However, it still brings pain to me when I realize what could be, and leave it alone entirely.
Mutual bonding between someone and I is an extremely hard task for me to do. Allowing myself to be so vulnerable after being taken advantage of by a close friend just wasn’t my cup of tea. So for quite some time I enveloped my feelings within myself, and brought things to a stand-still with my family, friends, and I. Soon my thoughts and true feelings were unspoken, and this caused me to have long periods of silence which personally I enjoyed, but was abnormal to the people in my everyday life. They began to believe that I had become frustrated from them or distanced myself, which was not the case at all. I just wanted to avoid disappointment entirely. A while back, A close friend of mine had been playing football with me outside, and I was winning when I usually always lose. He became a sore loser and entered his house, without saying a word to me. I gave up after some time, and went inside as well. The next day, a group of my classmates approached me and informed me that my friend was going around spreading lies about me. This hurt to the core, as I spent so much time forming a relationship with him because I actually enjoyed his presence and created memories with him. For him to let a silly game destroy our friendship honestly hurt me to the core. At the time I didn’t realize it, but I began secluding myself from people. However, I yearned for friendship and communication from others, but so easily resisted any form of it. As if there was nothing even encouraging me to pursue it, though my heart needed it. Eventually I allowed myself to create new relationships, but those continue to lead to disappointment and hurt, and like an idiot I continue to create more.
My soft nature seems to be blamed for such a personality. Fear is the only thing at bay when I even consider a relationship. Sometimes, I can even feel a relationship isn’t going to work, and when it fails I still feel pain. Predicted outcomes never seem to lessen the pain of another “what if”. Friends, family, and peers all end up disappointing me, and I soon gave up relationships. However, it still brings pain to me when I realize what could be, and leave it alone entirely.
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